


The Clit Is It!

by zeldadestry



Category: Smallville
Genre: Bodyswap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-18
Updated: 2007-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-10 07:13:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeldadestry/pseuds/zeldadestry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex is always so worried about what he doesn't have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Clit Is It!

**Author's Note:**

> silliness written last year (but finished this year!) while playing around with the "body-switch!" prompt for 2006's undermistletoe

Despite being in the midst of the holiday season, Lex was still caught up in his ungrateful habit of keeping a detailed account of all the ways he'd been cheated in his life.

The list always began in the same way, with the two biggest insults: beloved mom dead, psychotic father alive. These, of course, were individual injustices, particular to him. Lately, he'd also been rather caught up in an injustice that affected his whole gender.

Why could he not have multiple orgasms? It was so unfair. His life was so miserable and surely climax after climax was all that could bring him even a scrap of happiness.

Lana could get off ten times in a night and still be asking for more. She made him work until his fingers cramped and his jaw ached. She also made him listen as she glorified Clark, who, as a Kryptonian super freak, had inhuman stamina and no refractory period. In truth, though he complained Lana was making him feel inadequate, Lex was filled with lascivious glee each time she described the wonders of sex with Clark.

"It's not fair," he said. "I want to get off as often as you do!"

Lana regarded him skeptically. "But Lex, be reasonable. Guys get off so much easier. Neither sex really has it better. It's just different."

He turned away from her, sulking. "I don't believe you."

"You're being ridiculous," Lana said, in a haughty way that had Lex thoroughly convinced that women had hit the jackpot in the genital lottery.

After she fell asleep, he snuck down to the library, where their stockings were hung above the fireplace. Taking out his business letterhead, he wrote a quick note to the famous man in red.

Dear Santa,

My mother didn't get better.

My brother also stayed dead, while

My dad has sadly kept his head.

All this I might bear,

Except for the thing that's really unfair…

Clark Kent's never NAKED IN MY BED.

You owe me, fat man.

This Christmas I have but a simple request: I would like a clitoris!

Sincerely, Lex Luthor

P.S. I know I haven't exactly been 'nice', but perhaps if my life weren't so miserable, I wouldn't be quite so 'naughty'.

He snuck back into bed, casting one more lustful leer at Lana's superior anatomy.

The next morning, he woke up and felt a hard cock pressing against his thigh. "Oh, Clark," he muttered, "Why'd you make me wait so long?" His eyes cracked open and he saw someone who looked just like him hovering above. "What the fuck?" he shouted, tearing himself out of bed.

"Exactly," his double replied. "Lex, that is you, right?"

"Who the hell are you?" Shit. It had finally happened. One of his Franken-clones had come to life, escaped the lab, quickly become overwhelmed with loneliness and existential angst and determined to murder his maker. Of course, factoring that raging hard-on into the equation changed the analysis. "I've done some sick shit," Lex said, shaking his head and backing away as he clutched the bed sheet around his waist, "but I'm not fucking my own clone!"

"Lex! It's me, Lana. You made clones? What the hell is wrong with you?"

He decided to ignore those questions. "Lana? Prove it."

"Stop yelling at me. You know this is weird for me, too. You're in my body."

"What?" She, or was it he? Lana, in any case, grabbed Lex and dragged him in front of the mirror. Well. That was just weird. There he was, and there she was, reflected back. "Huh," he said, looking down at himself and seeing her body. "This is odd."

"I know. How the hell did this happen? What are we going to do?"

"How did this happen?" Lex repeated, whispering to himself. "How did this happen?" He gasped, suddenly, and ran to the window, throwing it open and shouting out, "Thank you, Santa!"

"Thank you, Santa? Lex! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"So," Lex said, not seeing any reason to waste time getting to work testing his hypothesis. "Should we fuck?"

"What?!?"

"Well, what else are we going to do?"

"Lex, ew. I'm not going to have sex with myself."

"You'd be having sex with me!"

"I'm not going to get off looking at my own face, that's sick."

"Then fuck me from behind."

"Lex, no! We have to figure out how to get back into our regular bodies."

"You do realize this gives us the perfect opportunity to settle the debate we had last night?"

"What debate?"

"Which is better, the clit or the dick?"

"Oh, yeah," Lana said, trailing her hand slowly down her belly and shuddering. "Wow." She ran a curved hand up the underside of her dick and her eyes fell shut. "So good," she moaned.

"I think I better go see Clark," Lex offered, wiping drool away from the corner of his mouth.

"Oh, yeah. He'll help you get off…get out! I mean, get out of this predicament! And I, I should, I have to, I have to go see Chloe."

"Later."

"Later."

 

"Chloe," Lana said, "will you have sex with me?"

"I don't know," Chloe said. "Jimmy…"

"But you'd be having sex with another girl! Maybe he wants to watch."

"Another girl, yeah, but a girl in Lex Luthor's body. I don't know."

"Lois seemed up for it. I guess I'll go fuck her."

"Wait!" Chloe said, grabbing Lana's arm. "I'm not saying no. Wow. Does Lex work out a lot?"

"Nice arms, right?"

"Yeah." Chloe's hand moved over to touch Lana's belly. "Hard abs, too."

"You want hard? Move your hand a little lower."

Chloe smiled and slid her hand down to cup Lana's new equipment. "Mmmmm. I could get used to this. Two girls trying on a boy's body, just for fun."

"Exactly," Lana said, moving her lips closer to Chloe's. "We're just two girls, having fun."

 

Back home in the afternoon, Lex and Lana met up to share notes. "Wow, Lex. Even though Chloe hates your guts, she still finds you attractive. We had an amazing time. And then, after that, I went to see Oliver Queen. Did you know he's an orphan, too, just like me? And he was telling me about this guy Bruce Wayne who's also an orphan. Anyway, I think I'd like to be a vigilante."

"What?"

"You know, a vigilante. Help people, protect the innocent, all that good stuff. We were talking about it in bed."

"In bed? You did not let Oliver Queen touch my body."

"You hypocrite! What did Clark do to mine?"

"Nothing he hadn't already!"

"Yeah, well, from what Oliver said, you're obviously no virgin either."

"You let Oliver fuck me?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Lana, you bitch! I hate that smug, self-satisfied, sanctimonious, self-righteous, arrogant asshole."

"Wow. That's a hell of an adjective to noun ratio. Don't worry. He hates you, too. But that didn't stop him from begging me to fuck him."

"Wait, you fucked him, too?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, ok."

"So don't let your Alpha male status feel all threatened. His ass is yours, your ass is his, it's all good."

Lex relaxed. That wasn't so bad. He wished he could have seen it. Didn't Oliver have security cameras at his place? He'd have to try and get a copy. "All good," he repeated.

"How long do you think this is going to last?" Lana asked.

"No idea. So. Who should we fuck tomorrow?"

"You're getting ahead of yourself." Lana pulled him forward, wrapped strong arms around his waist. "The question is," she murmured against his cheek, "who do you want to fuck tonight?"


End file.
